As a parent, have you struggled with rivalry in your children? As a child, do you remember conflict, tension, competition, and arguments with your siblings? Why are so many families unhealthy? Why is there so much turmoil, and what is God’s solution? In order to understand the answers to these questions, we must first understand God’s original ideal, his original design.

The law of love is the law of life—the principle upon which all life in the universe is based. Because God himself is love, all things created by him are designed to operate in harmony with this law of love, this circle of beneficence in which all things give freely to others. In nature, this circle is seen in the sun warming the oceans, which give water to the clouds, which refresh the land and form the lakes, rivers, and streams, which flow through the land bringing life and ultimately return to the sea to begin the circle again.

The plants produce the oxygen necessary for animals to live and animals produce carbon dioxide, which plants need to grow. The law of love is the law of life. Even in nature, when giving ceases, so does life. When a pool of water ceases to give, it stagnates and everything in it dies. When we cease to give our breath to benefit the plants, we inevitably die. It is through giving that we live and breathe and have life. But when we seek only to take, we slowly die. When we stop giving, we cut ourselves off from the channels of blessing - the unavoidable result is death.

Happiness and health are found only in harmony with God’s law of love. Humanity was created with hearts and minds that operated only on other-centered love, goodness, and beneficence. Love cannot be experienced in isolation. Therefore, Eve was created to be the object of Adam’s love. It was not good for Adam to be alone because he could not enter into the fullness of God’s ideal without someone for him to serve, someone to pour his heart into. Eve was created to be the recipient of Adam’s love and allow that love to invigorate, inspire, and fulfill her and in turn pour her love out in uplifting and benefiting Adam. In love, they were to bring forth new beings in their image—children to be the object and recipients of their love. Thus, this entire creation was designed to reveal God is love! But something went terribly wrong.

Satan told lies about God. Adam and Eve believed those lies and the circle of love and trust was broken. Imagine you believe a lie that your spouse is having an affair, even though it isn’t true. If you believe the lie, does something in you change? When lies are believed, love and trust get broken and fear and selfishness result. This principle of fear and selfishness is commonly known as "survival-of-the-fittest." This self-promoting principle, in turn, leads to destructive actions, what we call sins. And destructive actions result in damage to mind, character, and body—a terminal condition.

Once our first parents believed the lies about God, love and trust were broken and their entire character was warped. The principle of "survival of the fittest" infected not only their minds, but also this entire planet. All humanity, as offspring of Adam and Eve, are born infected with this terminal condition. Insecurity, fear, and selfishness characterize our inherent state and all children are born into the world with this principle, which the mind, thoughts, and development. This condition is the source of all conflict, strife, argument, tension, and rivalry. Rather than seeking to give in order to benefit others, we naturally seek to outdo others, advance ahead of others, and get for ourselves. Thus, children compete for parental approval, the biggest piece of pie, the first place in line. Parents struggle with fears and insecurities, with doubts and uncertainties, with powerful feelings that impair loving actions.

In unhealthy families, self is the lens through which life is filtered: "It’s not fair I didn’t get to stay up as late as sissy." "I can’t stand for my children to be mad at me." "I don’t care what they think, I feel like doing it, so I will." Family members are not seen as people to be loved, to serve, to give of ourselves, to benefit, but are instead seen as obstacles in our way, competitors to overcome, burdens we must bear or resources for our use and exploitation. Life becomes a constant battle to get for oneself. The inevitable outcome of such relating is fragmentation, argument, dysfunction, and, ultimately, pain, suffering, and death.

There is only one power in the universe capable of healing our families. There is only one power that can purge fear and selfishness from the heart—and that power is the power of love. Love cannot be forced. Love cannot be commanded. Love cannot be coerced. Love can only be freely given. But in order to give love, we must first receive love, someone must first love us. We must be reconnected to the source of all love—we must be reunited to the heart of God. The lies must be purged and our hearts won to trust. Then, as we trust God, we open our hearts and God pours in his love, healing, restoring, regenerating, and purging all fear (Rom. 5:5; 1 John 4:8). We no longer see the world through the lens of self, but through the heart of God, through the lens of love. We are set free, free from fear, free from selfishness, free to love others more than ourselves.

Healthy families are those in which love has been restored and each member seeks to uplift and benefit the other. Such love is not doing what the other wants but doing what is in the best interest of another. Thus, a parent, in love, will give vaccines, set curfews, oversee diet, restrict television, as well as give gifts, educate, play, and cuddle. As we come to know God and receive his love, fear and selfishness are purged and we come back into unity—unity of heart, mind, motive, and method. Conflict, strife, disharmony are vanquished, and we stand as one, united in God’s love.

This conflict, this striving for supremacy, this fighting to promote self and God’s patient interventions to heal and restore are graphically recorded in the lives of Isaac, Rebekah, and their sons Jacob and Esau. They serve powerful examples of the struggle we each face in our own hearts, minds, and families, and the pain that results when selfishness reigns. May we learn the lesson well, open our hearts to God, receive his love, and then love others with all our might!

Timothy R. Jennings is a practicing psychiatrist in Dalton, Georgia. He teaches a weekly Sabbath School class at Southern Adventist University, which is available at www.comeandreason.com. This article is adapted from Jennings’s new book, Could It Be This Simple? A Biblical Model for Healing the Mind (Hagerstown, Md.: Autumn House, 2007).

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