Like a skilled prosecuting attorney, you have built a strong case. You hold sufficient proof for conviction. In your mind: guilty! In your psyche, there is no justification. Thus, we write people off.

Yes, Christians do this. The Apostle Paul wrote off Mark for not continuing a missionary odyssey. Such a sharp dispute erupted that Paul and Silas went one direction while Mark and Barnabas went another (Acts 15:37–40)1. Paul became very upset with Mark.

Thank God for the Barnabases of the world, who encourage and reconcile. Otherwise, we would likely not be blessed with the Gospel of Mark in the Bible. Paul later reconsidered his position and reconciled: "Get Mark and bring him with you, for he is useful to me for ministry" (2 Tim. 4:11).

Unfortunately, however, humans tend to savor cases against others. Self-righteousness keeps us focused on our point of view, our sense of justice, our (un)righteous anger, and our (the only) side of the story. We are right; the other person is wrong: Case closed!"

Neither party seeks to make the first move. Many remain estranged. You have probably agonized over rifts in your church and family. I endured conflict so vicious in a congregation that one church leader told another: "See you in hell!"

These rifts are extra sad when they involve parents and children, especially when they lead to regret-filled funerals. Incredible hurt, pain, and loss! Unfortunately, some persons with numerous relatives can have little sense of family because they have written off most of their family.

The very last two verses in the Old Testament speak to this need for reconciliation. Malachi 4:6, 7 says: God "will turn the hearts of the fathers to the children, and the hearts of the children to their fathers.…"

Notice how the text first says the fathers will be turned to the children. Some assume the children or youth are "the problem." However, could the alienation have originated with adults, parents, and other church members? Once adults experience a change of heart, children are affected. This also happens in reverse. Someone needs to surrender their pride to initiate reconciliation.

Have you written people off? You can choose to forego your polished case, experience heart transformation, and claim Malachi’s promise for reconciliation. God calls you to make the first step. Our forgiveness depends on us forgiving others (Matt. 6:12).

God created the world with language. "For He spoke, and it was done: He commanded, and it stood fast" (Ps. 33:9). Being created a little lower than God (not angels, see the Hebrew in Ps. 8:5), we create the future by our thoughts and actions. You may not be able to change how you feel about others, but you can chose to ask God to transform your thoughts, words, and actions. You can choose your response when someone wrongs you. You can decide to surrender your anger and seek healthier approaches. You can create a different future with thought and language.

God wants us on a continuous growth path. When we err, which we will often do, God wants us to turn toward growth, reconciling with and praying for those who hurt us; and choosing appropriate responses.

The greatest area needing reconciliation may be our thought life. Many allow their thoughts to run rampant with unhealthy, angry, bitter, critical, thoughts about others.

Reconciliation starts in our thinking. If our thoughts about ourselves and others are not uplifting, we need God’s help to change them systematically. The best barometer to determine the quality of our relationships is the quality of our thinking. The best measurement to determine the quality of our thinking is how we usually feel inside. If we experience contentment for the most part; then our thought life is likely in harmony. However, if we often feel angry, anxious, depressed, lonely, critical, and so forth, this is a good barometer that we have thinking habits needing modified.

Whether with family, friends, or work associates, we can choose to stay in the same mental ruts or take steps toward transformation. Miracles await those bold enough to make the first move. Make that call, pay that visit, send that e-mail, or say that prayer for reconciliation. It is possible that the other party may listen. Realistically maybe not, yet at least be open to when he or she may be. Nothing is greater than seeing enemies become friends. This is why the Bible stresses love so much in the Bible, even to our enemies (Matt. 5:48).

Forgiveness does not mean we need to trust people, especially in the case of abuse. Forgiveness helps us. There are so many benefits. We pay a huge price for holding onto grudges. C. Everett Koop, the former U.S. Surgeon General, has said, "about 80 percent of all the medical illness seen in a doctor’s office are either caused by emotional stress, or will be significantly worsened by stressors."2

Ongoing family problems correlate with hormones being released, causing decreased white blood cells, decreased antibodies, and increased vulnerability to all kinds of infectious diseases, including viral-induced cancers, migraine headaches, ulcers, colitis, muscle aches, bronchitis, pneumonia, cardiovascular disease, mental illness, and other disorders, including death.

Forgiving is a wise move—it is crucial to human health. Forgiveness does not necessarily mean forgetting, nor reconciliation. "Forgiveness is unilateral. It is something we can do all by ourselves. Reconciliation requires the participation of another person. We cannot make it happen, no matter how hard we try."3 Thus, forgiving people does not mean we are going to reconcile or get along with them.

Another thing to look out for is "superficial forgiveness which leads only to artificial reconciliation."4 This is a subtle way to write people off. However, it is often wise to let "bygones be bygones," as far as seeking reconciliation. Yet, it is always wise (though often difficult) to seek forgiveness. It brings sweet relief, along with the possibility of the miracle of transformation.

Notes and References

1. All Bible verses are taken from the New King James Version.
2. David Stoop and James Masteller, Forgiving Our Parents, Forgiving Ourselves (Ann Arbor: Servant, 1996), 8.
3. Ibid., 263.
4. Ibid., 270.

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