Why is it so much easier to treat strangers with dignity, respect, and patience than to relate in that same way to members of our own immediate families? Some reasons might include:

1. We are with family members all the time and it is easier to be solicitous for short periods to strangers and mere acquaintances.
2. We know family members too well, and their shortcomings, which stimulate our impatience, are very clear to us.
3. We treat family members as they treat us. Their rudeness or disrespect prompts in-kind responses from us.
4. We treat family members the way we were treated in our families as children. It is natural to relate to people according to the models we have seen and experienced for decades.

And why is it so much easier to treat strangers with dignity, respect, and patience than to relate to members of our own church family in that way? The same four reasons probably apply. There may be others as well.

It is fascinating to notice that the first three reasons are the very reasons that explain God’s unlimited grace to us:

1. He is committed to us for eternity (John 14:2–4, 17:24; Rev. 21:3).
2. He knows our shortcomings all too well, for we have limited abilities, yet he designed us with freedom of choice (Gen. 2:7; Ps. 78:38, 39; Ps. 103:14; compare Ps. 103;1–10).
3. He does not treat us as we deserve (Isa. 53:6, 12; Rom. 5:6–8, 18–21; 7:15–8:2; Matt. 9:12, 13; Mark 2:17; Luke 7:34, 35). That’s why we call his love grace (Rom. 3:23–24; 5:8, 9; 11:5, 6; 1 Pet. 5:5, 6).

The reasons why we treat our families as we do are logical and, perhaps, even defensible when considered prima facie. However, as Christians, we are called to live in a state of grace. That means accepting God’s grace and channeling it to others (John 17:11, 20, 21). We are not only recipients of grace, we are also called to be its conduits (Rom. 12:9–21; Eph. 4:31, 32; Col. 3:12–15).

Admittedly, some of us are rather poor conduits. Some of us have so much pain in our own lives that we are unable to pass God’s grace to others very well. Others of us have not yet reached the end of our self-sufficiency, and godly grace cannot be mustered by sheer force of will. Short-term or reciprocal politeness can be offered (Matt. 5:43–48; compare Luke 6:32–36, esp. 36), but extended charity is difficult to muster on one’s own and often results in retaliatory anger when recipients do not respond in kind soon enough. In contrast, God’s unmerited grace hopes for—but does not demand—reciprocity of love.

The only way we can be conduits of God’s grace to our families is to recognize our need for God’s grace in our own lives, with Christian humility confess our shortcomings to each other (James 5:16; compare Gen. 2:25), and continue to draw near to God in our need (James 4:8–10).

Henry David Thoreau once said, "Humility, like darkness, reveals the heavenly lights."1 Those of us who have experienced God’s unmerited favor, time after time, become more inclined to be patient with the weaknesses of others. Those of us who, in spite of having the best intentions, have failed God seven times seventy times and have been compelled to trust in his forgiveness each time, will begin to understand that our children, our spouses, and our colleagues and friends, are trying just as diligently as we are to make right choices. We will then, in turn, be a little more patient with them (Col. 3:12–14).

It is important to recognize that very few people awaken each morning and say to themselves, "Today, I am going to make as many poor and self-destructive choices as possible." Even people who make bad choices generally do so in misguided attempts to find satisfaction and happiness in their lives.2 It is the believer who, after a half century of living, recognizes how little real progress has been made in overcoming deficits in his or her own life, gratefully accepts God’s grace and extends patience and sympathetic understanding to others (Matt. 18:23–33; Luke 7:47).

Conversely, it is the person who believes that he or she is doing quite well spiritually who thinks that others should be stronger, better, persons, and thus judges them harshly for not pulling harder at their own bootstraps (Luke 7:40–48; 1 John 1:8, 10). It is the person who does not understand or admit to his or her own weakness that most often criticizes it in others. Psychologists refer to this tendency as projection.

We cannot extend graciousness that we have not received. We cannot exhibit charity if we have not felt a desperate need for God’s longsuffering in our lives. We cannot offer forbearance if we have not, ourselves, experienced brokenness at the foot of the cross. But if we have begun to enjoy the freedom of living in God’s grace, our families (and church families, too) can provide a little taste of heaven. In 1902, Ellen White proposed,

Parents, make your home a little heaven on earth. You can do this, if you so choose. You can make home so pleasant and cheerful that it will be the most attractive place on earth to your children. Let them receive all the blessings of the household. You can so relate yourselves to God that His Spirit will abide in your home. Come close to the bleeding side of the Man of Calvary.3

This kind of family life will develop as we honestly and humbly accept God’s amazing patience with us and we are moved, in turn, to extend it to those whom we know best: our spouses, children, and parents; and our brothers and sisters in Christ.

Notes and References

1. Quoted in J. M. Braude, Remarks of Famous People (Englewood Cliffs, N.J.: Prentice-Hall, 1965).
2. William Glasser, Control Theory in the Classroom (New York: Harper and Row, 1986).
3. Sermons and Talks (Silver Spring, Md.: E. G. White Estate, 1994), 2:200.

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