Submission goes against our human nature. It is especially difficult for those who have been abused. For them, to submit feels like they are being asked to open themselves again to the experience of being hurt. Satan has, it seems, largely succeeded, through the ravages of sin, in destroying the beauty and peace of the experience of submission in Christian relationships. Nonetheless, in the end, all things will be brought under the authority of Jesus (1 Cor. 15:27) and every knee will bow to him (Phil. 2:10).

Is it possible that one reason we struggle to submit in our human relationships is that we have failed to understand the blessing that God intends to give us through submission? Perhaps we look too much at submission as an act, a behavior, or something that we should do rather than seeing it more as an internal reality of the heart. Submission is less an act than an attitude. Surely, when the world of our hearts beat submission, it will be expressed externally in the way we relate to others as unconsciously as the beating of the heart.

It is easier for us to understand this idea when we compare the words honor and obey. Children are to honor their parents for a lifetime, but are not required to obey their parents after they are independent. Likewise, submission is a timeless, universal principle that expresses itself as obedience in appropriate times and places with appropriate people (Eph. 6:1–3; 1 Pet. 2:18–21; Heb. 13:17; Rom. 13:1–5).

To illustrate further, is it possible to obey without submission? It doesn’t take too much to imagine a child gritting its teeth in obeying a command of a parent without an ounce of submission inside, or a wife complying with a husband’s demand while seething in anger. The reality is that, although obedience can be forced, submission cannot be. It must be freely given or it is not submission at all.

Submission, according to Ephesians 5, must be an expression of love. It is not a privilege reserved exclusively for women. According to verses 25–30, husbands are to take the lead in loving. They are to prayerfully look at the needs of their wives, and sacrifice themselves in order to meet them. This is an act of submission. This is what Jesus did for us, his church.

I agree with Mike Mason, who writes, "The special gift of marriage, in fact, is that the submissiveness asked of us is not to anything alien or abstract, but rather to a person; nor is it to a distant and unknown person, but to the one closest to us; nor is our deference to be one of blind following but of love."1 Mason goes on: "We were made for love, for sweet surrender. Marriage, in this as in so many other ways, was specifically designed to enable us to fulfill our heart’s desire, which is to acquiesce graciously in all that we were meant to be and to do."2

If Mason is correct, that our heart’s desire is to graciously acquiesce in all that we were meant to be and to do, this has profound meaning for all of our relationships, not just that with our spouse. Does it mean that we submit to our children as well? (Remember our description.) Do we submit to those who are abusing us? The radical answer must be Yes, always! Jesus submitted to the entire human race. By becoming human himself, "he made himself nothing; he took the humble position of a slave and appeared in human form. And in a human form, he obediently humbled himself even further by dying a criminal’s death on a cross" (Phil. 2:7–8). He chose to freely give his life (John 10:18).

Can we, then, support the proposition that women and children should "submit" to domestic violence, child abuse, or any other form of mistreatment? Never! To submit does not mean that we always obey. David consistently maintained an attitude of submission to Saul even when Saul was hunting him to take his life. But he avoided Saul and did not allow himself to be caught.

The three Hebrew young men spoke to King Nebuchadnezzar with respect while refusing his command to bow down and worship the golden image. Jesus allowed himself to be transported to the top of a mountain and to the pinnacle of the temple by Satan, but never succumbed to his temptations. True submission does not promote victimization, but rather creates nobility and peace under trial.

Anyone who has been victimized would do well to recognize that God’s justice demands vengeance, but he tells us: "I will take vengeance; I will repay those who deserve it," says the Lord (Rom. 12:19). At the same time, steps must be taken to protect oneself and one’s children from abuse. When appropriate, steps must also be taken to deal legally with the offender. It is important to recognize that these steps do not de facto indicate a lack of submission.

In the end, an internalized submission will be the hallmark of those who, for the sake of religious liberty, will refuse to obey civil law when it conflicts with the law of God. They will have learned through the transactions of life that resisting evil only strengthens it. Under severe persecution, they will be grounded through submission to Jesus and every lawful authority. Their heart’s desire will be to submit to every command when possible, because they will have learned to love the law with all of their hearts.

Notes and References

1. Mike Mason, The Mystery of Marriage (Sisters, Oregon: Multnomah, 1985), 179.
2. Ibid., 185.

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