By Fiona Bullock
A Commentary on the Sabbath School Lesson for July 3–9, 2004, "Honor Your Father and Your Mother"
Honor your father and your mother, as the LORD your God has commanded you, so that you may live long and that it may go well with you in the land the LORD your God is giving you. (Deut. 5:16 NIV)
Throughout my life I have often considered the relevance of this verse as it related to my relationship with my parents during childhood and adolescence. However, through my work as a geriatric social worker and my personal experience as an adult child of aging parents this text has taken on new significance and meaning.
Caring for aging parents will become a personal journey for many Americans in the near future, as "Baby Boomers" join the senior population at a steady rate. In California alone, it is projected that in 2010, 1 in 5 Californians will be sixty years of age or older.1 One of the fastest growing groups of elders will be those eighty-five years of age or older. This group is often called the "oldest old." It is predicted that due to chronic health problems often associated with this advanced age, special demands will be placed on the families who care for them.2
What responsibility do we, as adult children, have to care for our aging parents? In 1 Timothy, we are encouraged to put our "religion in practice by caring for your own family and so repaying your parents and grandparents, for this is pleasing to God" (5:4). Although the caregiving role may be fraught with challenges and strains, it is the ultimate act of honoring "thy father and mother."
This role, usually held by the daughter or daughter-in-law, will require the adult child to divide their time, energy, and resources among the many competing needs facing the family. This balancing act often places incredible demands on the caregiver, who may feel incapable of meeting all the needs placed on them. This may also be a difficult time for the elder, who may be facing are variety of losses associated with decreased independence, a debilitating illness, or perhaps the loss of a spouse.
During my mother’s long battle with cancer my sister quit her job to take care of her and my dad, who had suffered two debilitating strokes. This time was difficult for all of us. Although I lived across the country with my husband and young daughter in California, I kept in touch through phone calls and regular visits. The visits, although filled with joy and laughter, were often difficult visual reminders of the physical changes that had taken place since I had last visited. The hours spent on the phone provided a long-distance connection that allowed me to contribute in my own small way, by providing encouragement and input.
In Maryland, my parents and sister dealt with the daily tasks of grocery shopping, monitoring medications, paying bills, arranging doctors’ appointments, and going for chemotherapy. A medical crisis would occasionally occur that would require surgery or an emergency room visit. On top of this was the emotional strain that accompanied this difficult time. Waiting for test results, going to the oncologist and finding out a fellow patient and new friend hadn’t survived, dealing with medical complications, and ultimately facing the imminent death of my mother all slowly took their toll.
It was during these times of doubt, fear, and anger that my sister and I took solace in the Bible verses that my mother had carefully handwritten in a small notebook. The promises in the book of Psalms and John 14:1–4 gave her the strength to meet the difficulties she faced with courage and humor. How could we do any less?
It’s been six years now since my mother died. My sister and I can now look back at those times and reflect on what a gift we received from the opportunity to participate in caring for my mother. I regret my inability to have a more hands-on role in this process, but am eternally grateful to my sister for the compassionate and selfless role she played during this time. Although we would never want anyone to have to face the loss of a loved one through the progression of this disease, it provided our family with a chance to tighten the bonds of love and to meet the daily struggles together. In this way, our family was incredibly blessed.
As a Christian community, we also need to question what responsibility we have for the elders in our communities. Some will not have families to assist them due to death, estrangement, or distance. The Bible instructs us to show mercy and compassion and specifically identifies widows, the fatherless, and the poor as needing our support (Zech. 7:8–10, Isa. 1:16–17). There are many practical ways we can fulfill this instruction. A phone call, helping with yard work, a visit to listen to memories of earlier times, walking a dog, getting groceries, housekeeping, providing transportation to a doctor’s appointment, all can make such a difference.
We should also remember the needs of the careprovider—whether they be an elderly spouse or an adult child with limited support. Providing respite for a caregiver so they can do errands or simply take a break, bringing over a meal once a week, or even a card of encouragement can provide the support that makes this time easier. As I tell my social work students, don’t ever underestimate the importance and value of helping someone with the simple tasks of daily life. It is through such acts that we honor not only our elders here on Earth, but also our Father in Heaven.
1. California Department of Aging, 2004.
2. Ibid.
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