When I went into counseling to fix my abusive marriage my therapist told me that I was codependent.

"What does that mean?" I asked.

"It means you love too much," he replied.

"How can you love too much?" I cried. "Didn’t Christ ask us to love each other unconditionally? Isn’t that one of the most important Christian principles? Aren’t we supposed to walk that extra mile and turn the other cheek? (Matt. 5:39–41). Doesn’t love bear all things and endure all things?" (1 Cor. 13:7).

"Not always," he replied.

I was dumbfounded. After all, he was a Christian counselor. /font>

My therapist went on to suggest that I get a divorce. I refused. I wanted to honor my vows, so I stayed married. "I will just keep loving my husband unconditionally," I thought to myself." That will heal him and our marriage."

Unfortunately, the more I loved him unconditionally, the more abusive he got. He gave new meaning to the expression, "biting the hand that feeds you."

Eventually, I realized I was putting my children in danger by staying married to my husband, so I divorced him. Then I spent years going to a support group for codependent women trying to figure out whether unconditional love is good or bad.

What are my conclusions? Well, today, I believe that unconditional love is good and important, but that it is not always the best course of action. Sometimes, you must place conditions are your goodwill, even within marriage. Love in a marriage should be reciprocal—flowing in both directions.

Although we may have to place conditions on our goodwill, we do not have to give up the "love" part of unconditional love. We do not have to give up the tenderness that led us to "bear all things" for so long. But the feeling of love should not always be accompanied by turning the other cheek. That cheek could get pretty swollen. And if separation is the only way to end the abuse, we should consider it.

Christ asked us to love our enemies, not marry them. In other words, sometimes we have to take a step backward and love from a distance. We have to say to our partners, "I will love you without conditions, but I will not live with you. If you respect me and treat me in accordance with Christ’s doctrine on marriage, I will stick with you through the bad times, but not if you abuse me."